My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize