True but thats because hes a fetus.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
