I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
