Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize
