Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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