evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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