after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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