1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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