i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize