I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
