We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
