My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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