Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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