Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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