I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
