Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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