i was born a porn star she said
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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