if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
