So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
