I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
