im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
being pregnant is like rehab
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
