My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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