Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize