I cut my penus on the lid.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
