i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
