Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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