I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
