I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
