I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
