I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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