I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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