I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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