Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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