hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
