When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
