I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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