I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Randomize
