i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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