Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
