Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
