he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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