nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
