i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
