I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
