Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
