Got a toothbrush?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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