apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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