Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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