I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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