oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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