U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
