Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
