She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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