Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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