Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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