True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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