your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
