So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
They took my balls.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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