Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
