Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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