just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
my being single is dangerous.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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