Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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