just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
