I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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