I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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