i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Are my feet made of real feet?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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