i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Randomize
